I have finished finals and I leave tomorrow morning. The trip begins... With the help of my lovely supporters, I am going with $2,272, leaving $772 towards the gift of a motorbike to Daughters. I'm sorta surprised at how much I feel at peace. Although I did have a bit of a meltdown a few nights ago... I started feeling like "Who am I to go to Cambodia? What do I have to offer women in brothels?! Who am I to think I'm any better and that I can offer a hand of help? I'm just as dirty, just as sinful, and just as broken!" Of course these thoughts are lies of the Enemy trying to deter me from something that I know God wants me to do. Well, all except for the last thought. That one is not a lie. I AM just as sinful and just as broken. At first this was really difficult to accept because the sense of unworthiness was overwhelming and annoying. I want straight A's and I want to know I earned them myself because I worked hard for them; I want to be pure and good and I want to earn my holiness. But I can't. I never can. I have to constantly rely on God's grace, which annoys the crap out of me! It's easy to say that I am holy because Jesus has removed my sins and guilt from me when I am doing well. But when I do something terrible that taints my perfection and leaves me drowning in guilt I find myself struggling for air, worried that God will abandon me out of disgust or disappointment, begging, begging, BEGGING for forgiveness- that is when his grace really means something to me. How can he be that way? Why does he still love me and want to keep me? I don't get it. But I appreciate it! The point is, I have a feeling that I am going to have to remind myself every single day while I'm in Cambodia that the only reason why I have anything to offer is because the light of Christ shines in me (as my WONDERFUL FRIENDS reminded me a few nights ago when they prayed for me). I'm going into darkness, but I will not be afraid! I will shatter the darkness with the light of Jesus and I will try not to be shaken. Thank you God for my hot boyfriend, Nolan, who is there to help me battle the lies with Truth, and thank you for my mama for doing all the hard work for me in preparing for this trip! :D
PLEASE PRAY
1. for spiritual strength and protection against the suffocating darkness I'm about to enter
2. for energy!
3. that I can form good relationships early on
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
My darling~ It breaks my heart every time I hear you or your sweet sister share the times that you do not feel good enough. I never want you to feel that way. And yet, it is precisely that humbleness that makes you counsel and empower the people around you and support and encourage them with the kind of authentic agape love...that can obly be from Jesus himself.
ReplyDeleteYour relationship with The Living God fills me with such joy and you have taught me more than I could have ever learned by myself...if I had lived to be 500 yrs.old. I am incredibally blessed. Recovery says that if we are jars of clay, it is the cracks of imperfection where his light shines through and others can see him--through you. For it is in our weaknesses that we are truly stong in HIM! Praises! Shine on, dear daughter! I love you Sooooooo mmmmmmmmuch! mama
This is so exciting, Katie! :) I'll be following your adventures every time you post!
ReplyDelete