Disillusionment

I'm not a saint for being in Cambodia, and neither is any other Christian working overseas. I paint. I watch girls make jewelry. I give suggestions about whether or not a smoothie should be $5 at the cafe. I type stuff and print it out. Am I really all that amazing for doing mundane things like that just because I'm doing them in Cambodia? Would it really be any less significant if I were working for a similar organization in my home-town? If I'm doing it with love, then how is one better than the other? It's just a difference of location. I'm no heroine for flying to another continent. Stop idolizing me.

Daughters isn't perfect. Visitors who come in to see what Daughters does thinks it's flawless, but that's just because they're only shown the shiny, finished parts. There's kinks and things that frustrate me. But nothing that God can't step over in order to get his work done.

I can't understand how people can be so cruel to one another. I've always thought I've been gifted with empathy. I'm usually really slow to judge people because I figure that if I understood exactly where they were coming from, and if I were put in their exact situation who's to say that I wouldn't do the same? But men who rape. I don't understand them. People who murder brutally. I don't understand. How far does someone need to be pushed before they are even capable of bludgering someone to death? What needs to happen to a boy in order for him to be okay with participating in a gang rape? That girl is his sister. His mother. His first crush. She's someone's daughter. What makes me different from him? Was it how I was raised? The culture I grew up in? The fact that I've never been without a meal? Never really tasted poverty? Is it that I've always been shown love? The fact of the matter is, even if I never commit his crimes, he and I would still go to hell for what our dirty minds have been thinking. (I <3 you Thom Yorke) Just our thoughts are enough to cast us to hell. I could murder, couldn't I? I don't know if I could rape though. Maybe that's just because I'm a girl. I'm capable of raping. Doesn't the same poison that runs through them run through me? If you say no, then what makes me different? If you say Jesus, then why is my body still going to die? My flesh will still rot because of my sin. Yes, my soul will live for eternity. I will be given a new, perfect body. But I'm talking about now. There is no "us" and "them" is there? There's only us and God. He's the only good.

People told me "oh you'll just fall in love with the country and the people. The general people are not all that friendly. No one smiles at me like people said they would. The city is a sad, dirty place. I've fallen in love with the people who I've befriended, but it's not because Cambodians in particular are striking to me. They're just human beings, and I'd find human beings to love in any country.

I talked to a pastor today. After church last week I asked if he and his wife could meet with me sometime. I really wanted to hear about how Cambodian culture is different from Western culture (they are Korean and Malay but studied in the States) and how best to reach a people who have grown up in Buddhist culture. But they ended up lecturing me about all kinds of stuff I wasn't interested in talking about. They were critical towards Christian universities, saying that they pile burdens onto their students- financial burdens, and burdens like putting pressure on them to continue on in seminary. I didn't tell them I went to a Christian university. They also told me that God's main goal for my life is to sanctify me. I thought it was to continue his work on this earth, saving his people. I thought my life was about others, not myself. Of course I suppose we can't do his work unless he first sanctifies us. But aren't we santified through doing his work? Not before? They tried to convince me that I could not possibly waste anything God has given me if my heart's aim was to serve him however he wanted to use me. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like there are mistakes I could make that will keep someone from hearing the Gospel. Not that God couldn't reach that person by some other means other than through me, but I'm afraid that someone will be left in the dark just because I was too lazy or selfish to get off my comfortable couch and find them. Wouldn't that be the case if I stayed in the States when it's obvious I was made for cross-cultural living? But isn't America FULL of different cultures? I'm sick of people asking me if I'll come back here to Cambodia. I don't know! I'm sick of freaking out that half my life is gone and fearing that I'll let some whitewashed adult tell me that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me and end up wasting years not saving people in Jesus' name.

My Canadian friends are getting tired of me and my mom's the only one who reads to the end of my blogs. I'm ready to go home.